My heart is broken by all of the #metoo posts I've read over the last few days. I would like to add to this conversation as a male and secondary victim.
Three and a half years ago a man broke into my house and sexually assaulted my wife while I was at work. Much of my life since then has been anguish, mourning, rage and hopelessness. Thanks to an angelic wife, the support of friends and family, the grace of God and the help of a skilled counselor I have made great strides, and now believe there is hope for peace for me and my family. But one thing that continues to haunt me most is the feeling of helplessness that came from realizing that I couldn't protect my family that day.
I have felt that belief surge to life as I have read countless #metoo accounts. Given my story and the many, many that we have heard on our road to recovery, I have not been surprised by the volume of #metoo posts from women from all facets of my life, nevertheless I have felt very feeble in the face of such a pandemic problem. I am tired of feeling helpless, so this is me choosing to do something.
My feed today shows many #metoo posts by women, with comments mostly from women, with the occasional man's post about how Gordon Hayward broke his leg. I like many of you, I have wondered why men are so absent from this conversation. I was encouraged to see some #howIwillchange posts on social media, but they still seem inadequate, both in volume and content. I suppose many men don't contribute for the worst reasons you might imagine, but I and many men like me have also been absent. I don't know all their reasons, but I know a couple of my own. Frankly, I don't know what to do or say. I feel deeply ashamed of my sex and the atrocities they have committed. I doubt that a woman can trust me when another like me has hurt her so deeply. I feel keenly the fear, discomfort and embarrassment women direct at me for what other men have done, and I can't help but feel somewhat responsible. It is a delicate, awkward and scary thing to try to contribute or offer help to a group I'm afraid has no reason to trust me.
And yet, I am desperate to help, so I hope to do what I can. A friend of mine put it well in her #metoo post: Women need more male allies. I want to say to you women, if you want, I will be your ally.
Below is a list of commitments for me and my fellow men that I hope will be helpful to you. Women please comment and let me know if I am missing anything or wrong on any point. Men, please join me. #iwillbeyourally
1. I will be an ally to women and all those at risk of sexual aggression. I commit to courageously support, stand up for and protect them as necessary. The trust I hope to instill is sacred and I will never betray it.
2. I will maintain and enforce zero tolerance for sexual harassment in any form from my peers, family members, leaders and subordinates in my home, work or any social, public or private situation.
3. I will report sexual abuse to law enforcement, regardless of my relationship to the offender. Every victim deserves to see the due process of the law work for them.
4. I will not joke about rape. Ever. Nor will I tolerate it from those around me. I will refrain from and will not tolerate the use of sexually aggressive language, including slang and figures of speech, ie "The team is getting raped out there" "[Person] is butt-hurt" "[person] is pussy whipped" etc. I will never refer to women with derogatory or objectifying terms, nor will I tolerate it from others ie. b*tch, hoe, whore, tail, skirt, etc.
5. I will not consume media or patronize business that is pornographic or objectifying of women in any way.
6. If shared, I will listen to the stories of those who have experienced sexual abuse and harassment and I will use them to be more aware or cognizant of the safety and comfort of others.
7. I will never under estimate the impact of sexual aggression on a victim and never criticize them for their feelings regarding an experience. I will express only empathy, love and support.
8. I will never insinuate that any fault for a traumatic experience lies with a victim regardless of state of mind, sobriety, location, dress, etc. Sexual aggression is committed by an offender, and the offender alone is to blame.
9. I will not perpetuate a belief that the psychological repercussions of sexual trauma can be resolved by grit or faith only, or that situations of abuse are best left alone. I will support victims as they seek help from me, family, friends and professionals. No one should go through recovery alone.
10. I will ensure that my every single sexual advance or encounter with another is precluded by unequivocal consent. In the case of a new relationship, I will require verbal consent and repeated consent if necessary to ensure the comfort of my partner. In the case of a long term relationship, I will still require consent. The status or length of my relationship with my partner entitles me to nothing.
11. I will be aware of situations that are potentially dangerous or uncomfortable for women and offer my assistance when appropriate.
12. If I commit any form of sexual harassment or abuse, whether intended, cognizant or not, I will own up to it with the victim, I will apologize, I will encourage dialogue, I will do everything in my power to make restitution, and I will report myself to the authorities as appropriate.
13. I will teach these things to my children and any others who look to me for guidance or leadership.
14. Finally, I will recognize and own up to the power that I have to hurt or help, and I will use it to change culture, influence policy and inspire others to ensure that all around me are, and feel, safe, supported and respected.
